You Broke Us
Author: Kate Ropp, MD
Keywords: COVID, vaccine, honor, profession
We wanted to help people
We were smart and driven
We loved science and physiology, humans and disease
So we made a commitment
We signed up
It was an honor
We read thousands of pages
Attended hundreds of lectures
Pulled all-nighters
Took more exams than we thought possible
Finals week felt insurmountable
But it didn’t break us
It made us stronger
We learned statistics and biochemistry
Immunology and pathophysiology
We mastered genetics, virology and pharmacology
We read scientific papers and learned how to dissect them
Papers, not videos
It was an honor
We came running when you needed us
Literally, running down the hallway
To the ICU, the trauma bay, labor and delivery
I need help, you said
We can help, we said
It was an honor
There were moments that we thought would break us
Moments that drove us to journaling, to therapy, to nightmares
Broken babies.
Paralyzed children.
Dead pregnant mothers with three kids at home.
The wail of a mother whose son just died.
We bent but we did not break
We returned because you needed us
And we could help
It was an honor
Then there was fear
Fear of walking into our place of work
Fear that we’d be killed by going to work
Fear that we’d kill a loved one because of our work
There were tears and sleepless nights and anti-anxiety medications
But you banged your pots and pans
You sent us pizzas and called us heroes
You needed us
We could help
So we wore our masks, and our gowns, and our gloves, and our goggles
We decontaminated ourselves before going home and isolated ourselves from our families
We almost broke
It was an honor
How quickly the joy of vaccine victory turned to defeat
Elation to rage
You’ve learned to do your own research now
You know better than we do
Gaslighting is your language
Your selfishness is astounding
You don’t want our help when we ask you to stay healthy
Yet you arrive at our doors begging for help at the end
You stole our resources
You hobbled our ability to help those who did what they were supposed to do
You killed our patients by filling our beds and using up our ventilators
We can’t help any more
You broke us
There is no more honor
About the author: Dr. Kate Ropp is a pediatric anesthesiologist at a Level 1 trauma hospital in Portland, Oregon. She completed her medical school at the University of Nevada School of Medicine and her residency and fellowship at Oregon Health and Science University. She has been a delegate from the state of Oregon to the American Society of Anesthesiologists for several years and is the Immediate Past President of the Oregon Society of Anesthesiologists. Recently, she founded a nonprofit organization, MedStaircase, which is committed to increasing diversity in healthcare through mentorship, scholarship and education. When not working, Kate enjoys camping, skiing, and boating with her husband, two sons, and yellow Labrador. (Instagram: @kateropp; Facebook: Doctora Ropp)
