The Great Pause
Author: Casey A. Seideman MD
Keywords: wellness, exercise, pandemic, burnout
In March 2020, when the world was flipped upside down and a great uncertainty took over everyone’s lives, I paused. Now before I go on, I have to confess that I feel guilty even writing this down. I recognize that my position, as a physician in a dual income relationship and no kids, is one of privilege. However, in February of 2020 I was feeling burned out. On the outside I appeared successful, but I could not keep up with the clinical demand of my job, I had poor boundaries, and my personal wellbeing was non-existent. So when we made the call in March to cancel elective surgeries and clinic appointments, I embraced the standstill.
My spouse and I picked up food from a local restaurant, ate dinner together and decided that we would walk into the unknown with a growth mindset and figure out how to make something good come out of this terrifying situation. Instead of outward panic, I used the moment to reassess my personal and professional life and decided that this was an opportunity to take care of myself for the first time in a long time.
Step one was sleep. My quality/quantity of sleep had been abysmal. I had not slept well in years, maybe even a decade, and my body felt the ramifications. I started to prioritize getting 7-8hrs of sleep per night, and wow was I astonished at what a noticeable difference this made. I didn’t need to be in the Operating Room early, so I indulged in sleeping a little later and found myself waking up at a nice time without an alarm.
Step two was exercise. I had been a fair-weather exerciser, at best. I had taken an occasional spin class and thought of exercise as a form of punishment to atone for my overindulgences. However, I had serendipitously purchased a peloton bike a few months prior and decided to make myself a promise: I would use the bike 5x/week, and do yoga or stretching the other two days. This was the beginning of my first successful exercise habit and it has since absolutely changed my life. Over three years later, I still move my body everyday as part of my daily ritual.
Step three was reengaging with things that brought me joy. It’s easy to lose sense of yourself in academic medicine, and my personal identity had become completely enmeshed in my professional identity. I remember seeing a meme on social media about how surgeons were lost without the operating room, and I decided that would not be me. Instead I became intentional about finding joy in cooking, and reading books for pleasure - activities that I vaguely remember had brought me joy in the time before I started training.
About six months into the pandemic, I felt healthy again. Mentally, I felt calmer than ever. Physically, I felt strong. My relationship flourished because we got to spend quality time together. We were no longer two people who saw each other for a few hours eating dinner together whilst also working on our laptops.
Now do not get me wrong, I also worked hard. I pivoted to virtual visits to accommodate patients. I performed urgent surgeries, and took my fair share of call. When I wasn’t providing clinical care, I started writing more academic papers. I finally had the time I needed to complete my projects, and found a real love for the scholarly writing process. I was productive, and I was much happier.
Three years later, and I’m happy to report that I still prioritize sleep and exercise, and recognize these simple habits as being crucial to my wellbeing. I’ve had some relapses with burnout, but I know I’ve created the roadmap before and can do it again. I’ve learned that it should not take a global pandemic for me to take care of myself. We all need to recharge our batteries in shorter, more frequent cycles.
About the Author: Casey Seideman, MD is an Associate Professor of Pediatric Urology at Oregon Health and Science University (OHSU). She is the Director of Pediatric Robotic Surgery at OHSU. Her non-clinical focus is on diversity, equity and inclusion. She is currently the co-chair of the OHSU Urology department DEI committee, as well as the university wide Gender Equity in Academic Healthcare and Medicine committee. Her scholarship has focused on gender equity and inclusion. She serves on the board of directors for the Society of Women in Urology (SWIU). And recently was named the Associate Editor of the new “Women in Urology” section of the Urology Gold Journal. (Twitter: @CaseySeidemanMD)
