Imposter Syndrome
Author: Anonymous
Keywords: imposter syndrome, self doubt, relationships, mentorship
The sound of my imposter syndrome is my mother’s voice.
During the Women In Medicine Summit, I met so many women fueled and driven by the support of other women. I wondered if I would ever get to that point without thinking if they had any underlying alternatives. I am still skeptical of this idea only because the most prominent relationship in my life is also the most toxic. That is the first relationship I’ve had with a woman-the relationship with my mother.
As the Summit progressed, I found myself thinking so much about these strong leaders and who shaped them. Do these women have mothers who support their goals and who trust their judgment? Or do they have mothers who curse at them, call them names, and talk down to them? Do their mothers mock them, belittle their accomplishments, highlight their failures, compare themselves to their daughters, and sew doubt in their daughter’s mind? How did these mothers raise confident daughters, and how did I end up in the same room as them?
During the conference, there was a lot of mention of imposter syndrome. So I wondered- what does imposter syndrome sound like to these women? Do I genuinely have imposter syndrome, or is it just the sound of my mother’s voice telling me I am not good enough? If my imposter syndrome manifested into a person- it would be my mother. Her voice, tone, and comments are my imposter syndrome’s voice, tone and comments. Her hurtful remarks about my weight and appearance, relationships, career choices, and abilities are embedded into the back of my mind. She has provided a Rolodex of insults to choose from, and my imposter syndrome picks one out when I least expect it.
My first experience with what I think is imposter syndrome was when I was walking the halls of the Ivy League university I was attending for grad school. I knew I belonged there- it was logical- I applied, got accepted, and enrolled in classes. But as I roamed the library halls looking for an empty seat, all I could think about was the day I got my acceptance letter and my mother’s dismissing response. I came running into the house waving my acceptance letter in my hand, and all my mother said was, “isn’t anything special”; When I told friends and family, I played it off as if it wasn’t a big deal. Not because I wasn’t thrilled about this tremendous accomplishment, but because my mother thought nothing of it. Unfortunately, that feeling never went away, and I almost didn’t attend my graduation because of it. Most recently, my love for writing was destroyed by that imposter syndrome. She told me my writing was garbage, and it would be an embarrassment to publish my work. Because of this, it has taken me months to sit down and write. Every time I type, her voice creeps into my mind and reminds me that I am not good enough. If my own mother believes my work is terrible, who would care about anything I have to say?
It has been a few weeks since I have not spoken to my mother. To say it was easy would be a lie. Every day I grieve our relationship- what it was and what it will never be. But now, my goal is to focus on my success and foster relationships with other women who are eager to support me and my goals. I am also working on throwing out that Rolodex of insults and adding a new one full of affirmations. WIMS showed me how many women are out there who genuinely want to build me up and not tear me down. If it weren’t for that conference, my outlook on women-women relationships would still be tainted, and I wouldn’t have learned how to use my voice to drown out the imposter syndrome’s voice.
