A CV of Failures: Dissolving the Illusion of Perfection
Author: Jillian Bybee, MD
Keywords: perfectionism, failure, women in medicine, growth mindset
If the 5-year-old me who first dreamed of being a pediatrician could see me now, she would be in awe that we made it. She did not truly know if it was possible. If the 28-year-old me who dreamed of becoming a pediatric intensivist could see me now, she would let out a sigh of relief: the upcoming years of achieving and delayed gratification were “worth it.” As the present me, a pediatric intensivist medical educator, I appear to have reached all the goals that I have set for myself so-far. But, I know something that the past-me did not anticipate: I have failed during each phase of my career in order to get to where I am.
As a recovering perfectionist, it still makes me squeamish to write the word fail, let alone associate it with myself. For most of my life, I took great care to be sure that I did not fail. Or, if I did, I made sure to never disclose my failures publicly to comply with familial and societal expectations. I used a smoke-and-mirrors approach of hiding my shortcomings to convey perfection.
I am not the only woman in medicine who has done this. As women, we have been conditioned to make things look “effortless.” If we are struggling, we learn we should hide it from the world to continue the charade and not be a burden to others. “Never let them see you sweat.”
I bought into this approach earlier in my life and career, and I racked up the achievements necessary to secure a place in pediatric critical care medicine. But the process almost broke me, resulting in a major depressive episode and burnout during fellowship. Unfortunately, it has broken many of our female physician colleagues who have taken their own lives or chosen to leave medicine. And countless others are currently struggling.
Though there are numerous unique drivers of burnout, mental illness, and attrition, for me, other-oriented perfectionism fueled by imposter phenomenon was close to the top. I carefully curated my outward appearance and achievements to stand out while also fitting in in academic culture. Thus, it was paramount that I keep my insecurities and failures hidden. I succeeded for a long time until I was no longer able to do so.
In academics, we have an entire document dedicated to what we have achieved: the Curriculum Vitae (CV). It highlights where we have gone to school, awards we have received, positions we have held, grants we have secured, etc. What gets left out are all the things that have not gone to plan: positions not obtained, research not published, institutions not attended, and so-forth. In each of these areas, I have failed to achieve something that I attempted, but that is not reflected on paper.
The message transmitted by the achievements on someone’s CV may be misconstrued by others who are struggling to achieve their own goals. We may perceive that the person with a long list of achievements on her CV has never experienced struggle or failure, especially if we have never heard that person disclose their hardships.
To shine a light on the illusion of perfection in academics and break down the shame often associated with being imperfect, Melanie Stefan introduced the ‘CV of Failures’ in Nature in 2010. In this piece, she recommended keeping a running list of the ‘failures’ you have had: unsuccessful applications, refused grant proposals, etc. By doing so, she argued, we remind ourselves and others that succeeding takes the ability to recover from failure rather than being able to avoid failure completely. Subsequently, others have made their CV of Failures public, further normalizing the process of failing forward.
I now understand that to be human and try is to invite failure. Having survived failing greatly on occasion in my own life and having heard many others whom I admire admit their own failures, I have been able to shed the shame that previously accompanied my own imperfection. Through failure, we learn how to carry on, start again, or pivot. Failures are part of being human because we are all works in progress.
As a leader in medical education, I now find it particularly important to share my past and present failures with the trainees and early career faculty members around me. The earlier we are in our life or career, the less experience we have with navigating failures and coming out on the other side. This, coupled with the illusion that everyone we admire is “perfect” can contribute to burnout, as I experienced earlier in my career.
Learning to fail forward and allow imperfection in myself has been transformational. Embracing the vulnerability of failing and disclosing my failures to others has not resulted in them finding me less competent. But, it has allowed me to build stronger relationships with those around me. Additionally, I have become more likely to take professional risks, embrace my own creativity, and find more joy in my personal and professional life.
If you are struggling to maintain the illusion of perfection that so many of us women in medicine try to uphold, perhaps it’s time to let it go, embrace your CV of failures, and repeat the words of Thomas Beckett:
“Ever tried.
Ever failed.
No matter.
Try again.
Fail again.
Fail better.”
About the Author: Dr. Jillian Bybee, MD is a pediatrician, pediatric intensivist, medical educator, mentor, speaker, and advocate. She dedicates her work in medical education, quality improvement and patient safety, professional development, and wellbeing to preventing or lessening the morbidities associated with the medical system on patients, families, and fellow healthcare workers (Twitter: @LifeandPICU).
